That Which Never Was (part 2)

(Sorry for the change in voice, this will be easier to write in first person rather than third.)

"Danny. I will show you what could have happened, but you mustn't dwell on this. And do not linger on the thought that what you feel is still possible. That is a different matter altogether, and I will not grant that wish..."

Immediately I was intrigued. What would God show me? What did that last part mean? Would I want God to change things so that I could be with Sarah? Even as I asked myself that question I knew that's what I wanted.

The darkness of sleep lightened and I saw my high school hallways. I looked around and noticed my friends and all the other students from my time there. I then noticed a man wearing a brown jacket standing against the far wall, I walked up to him and asked, "Who are you?"

"I am your guide," he replied. "I will show you that which never was, but could have been. There are three possible outcomes from your situation with Sarah. In each scenario, you have already broken up with Liz and are moving forward." He motioned toward Sarah and my younger self talking in the hallway. "One more thing," my guide said, "do not attempt to speak with them. This is purely a eyes and ears only dream."

After he finished talking, the conversation young-me was having with Sarah hit my ears. I was telling her about me breaking up with Liz, and she was telling me how sorry she was that it happened. After that conversation ended, everything fast forwarded to the day when I asked Sarah to the prom. It started the same as when I actually asked her, but it didn't end the same way. "Sarah," young-me said after the conversation started deviating from the original path, "I know what your blogs mean. I know who they are about, for the most part, and I want you to know that I feel the same way. I like you, Sarah. Will you go to the prom with me?"

The answering smile young-me got was enough to make older-me giddy. I always liked her smile and loved to see it. Even now, it was enough to make my head spin. The picture fast forwarded to another moment. This time, it was after prom and I was telling Sarah goodnight. My gut actually tensed in the dream as I realized that young-me was wrestling with the idea of kissing her, but my younger self didn't. Confused, I looked at my guide and asked, "Why didn't I kiss her? I remember the only reason why I didn't kiss her before was because of Liz, but that problem is gone, now."

My guide smiled at me and said, "You are graduating soon. Leaving her to go back to Texas. You decided that it wouldn't work out, so why get hurt over it? Unfortunately, she wanted you to kiss her. She was hoping you would. When you didn't, she thought it was because you didn't like her anymore and your friendship suffered because of it. You never became the close friends that you are now, and she slipped out of your life completely."

I got angry then, how could I lose her friendship?! I cherished that above everything else! I turned to shout at my guide when he said, "Now, let's see what would have happened if you kissed her."

Immediately, the scene rewound and young-me stood at the point of decision once more. This time, however, young-me bent down, wrapped his arms around her waist gently and kissed her lips. In that moment, the deepest feeling of envy and jealousy washed over me. I was envious of my younger self because he kissed Sarah, and I didn't. I would never know what that felt like, while he would. Young-me and Sarah pulled back from each other and smiled. The picture froze. I looked at my guide who said, "Now, we will see what happens."

The picture fast forwarded to a point in college. I still went off to another state for school, but this time, my long distance relationship was with Sarah and not Liz. Young-me's face was scrunched up in pain and tears were flowing down my cheeks. The words of the conversation he was having on the phone with Sarah filled my ears: "I'm sorry, Danny," Sarah was crying too and it was enough to make me tear up. "I can't keep going like this. It is too hard and I don't ever get to see you. I do love you, but I can't do this." The audio faded back out and I was left standing there watching young-me's heart shatter.

I looked up at my guide with tear-filled eyes and asked, "What happens next?"

He looked back and replied, "You lose contact. Yeah, you talk every now and then, but you fall into the ex-lover stage and can never get back the friendship you had."

I looked back at the still picture of young-me broken and in pain. I had lost her friendship again. This time, I wasn't angry. I was too heart-broken for young-me to be angry. I asked, without taking my eyes off of young-me, "You said there were three possible outcomes?"

"Yes," my guide replied. "Come, I will show you the last one, but I'm warning you now. This will be the hardest one to see."

My heart sank even lower. How much worse could it get? I've already lost her twice. Dread filled my mind as the picture rewound and young-me was once again asking Sarah to the prom...

That Which Never Was (Part 1)

Danny looked down at his favorite picture. It was taken at his senior prom five years ago. He laughed as the tears filled his eyes with the memories of that amazing night. One of his closest friends won Prom King as a darkhorse entry started by his sophomore date, but whenever Danny looked at this picture, all he saw was the indecision and goofy grin he wore. He knew what he wanted, what he should have done, but all of that was pushed aside due to some sense of chivalry and respect that has haunted him since.

Right before Danny's junior year, his parents moved to another state and Danny had to go. Danny was excited about the move, but he really didn't want to leave Liz. Liz was the "One," or, so Danny thought in high school. They continued to date throughout high school, though Danny never had the chance to go back and see her. It was hard, and they had some rough times, but he really loved her. Time was coming up for prom and Danny was planning on going back and taking Liz to her prom. His parents helped and bought the plane ticket for him to go. They wanted to help him as much as they could. So, it was set. He would go back and take Liz to her prom. One day while talking to his friends at lunch, they asked him if he was going to their prom. "I don't know guys," he said. "I'm gonna be spending a lot of money taking Liz, and there really isn't anyone for me to take here."

His friends wouldn't take that as his final answer and they kept asking and, really, begging him to go. "It won't be the same without you, man," Kevin said the next day. "You really should think about going. It will be an absolute blast. Come, please." Danny looked at his friend, and thought about it. "I'll think about it, but I don't know if I'll be up for another one. I don't even like to dance," Danny replied.

Then, one day, after school, one of the groups he helped out with had a meeting. After the initial meeting, they broke up into groups to talk about planning for next year. Many of the leaders and planners were graduating, himself included, and they wanted to get a list of ideas for the next year to help ease the younger students into leadership. So Danny, Kevin, Alisha, and Sarah got in a group. Two seniors and two sophomores. Kevin liked Alisha, and we were all pretty sure Alisha liked Kevin back. We were so certain of this that we joked with him about it constantly. It never failed, in every situation, Danny, Logan, James, or Tyler made a joke about them. Kevin actually got so fed up with the jokes that he asked Alisha to prom and she, of course, said yes.

Anyways, the group was a weird matching of people, aside from the Kevin-Alisha thing. Kevin and Alisha were great friends with Sarah already, and with Danny, but Danny and Sarah didn't know each other, but they soon got to be good friends. They talked every chance they had and hung out as often as they could. Danny couldn't help but like her. Danny hadn't forgotten about Liz, though. He knew that he couldn't break up with her, she was too important to him. She was the "one." He had to put a definitive term on his relationship with Sarah. He began to look at Sarah as his little sister, and, so, that's how he defined their relationship. He would be her big brother. He decided to go to both proms, and he took Sarah as his date, knowing that would be a safe choice.

Time came for his trip back to Liz for her prom. He left, had an amazing weekend, and came home. The first person he wanted to see that Monday morning, though, was Sarah. He wanted to talk to her about her weekend, and what she did. The last few weeks before his prom went by. The whole time, he felt something changing in him, but he couldn't allow himself to have it change. He went to Liz for her prom. He did that just for her because she loved him and he wanted her to be happy. Danny couldn't bring himself to break up with her now, he was even more connected than before. So he willed his feelings into not changing, or so he thought.

The night of prom came. The whole group went together, which was good. It made the night all the better, but Danny still wanted some alone time with Sarah. When he went to pick her up, he fought the nerves the whole way. "Sarah's like my little sister. It would just be weird," Danny told himself. He parked and walked up to her front door with the corsage in his hand. He knocked on the door and, when it opened, he was blown away. Her black hair was up and curled revealing her neck, and the blue of her dress contrasted against her skin beautifully. It took a second, but finally he said, "Hey."

"Hi," Sarah said. Danny looked at her for a little bit longer, and then said, "Here, this is for you," and handed her the corsage. Sarah blushed a little and said thanks very sheepishly. "You look beautiful," Danny said. Sarah blushed again and, once again, said thanks in a sheepish voice. "I guess we should get going, Alisha and Kevin will be waiting." They left her house and met the rest of the group and went through the rest of the night. Danny and Sarah laughed with everyone else and danced when appropriate, but Danny felt a pull in his gut wanting something more.

The night passed, too quickly. It seemed like it was over far too soon. James offered to have everyone come over to his house for the "after-party" which would consist of movies and snacks until you wanted to leave. Danny hoped that Sarah would go, but her dad wouldn't let her, so he took her home to say goodnight. While standing on her doorstep, Danny felt the urge to lean down and kiss her. It pulled at his gut, willing his face to go forward, but he fought through it and decided not to. And that has been his single greatest regret.

He went through graduation and that summer being her big brother, but wanting more. He went off to college and visited Liz, and about a month later, broke up with her. He went through two more girlfriends, and fell in love with both of them, but neither one worked out. It has left him, sitting on his bed, looking at the picture of him and Sarah, wondering what could have been.

It got to be too much for him. He put the picture down and lay his down on the pillow and prayed quietly, "God, this doesn't leave me alone. I don't know what to do. I feel like if I know what might have happened, I'd be ok. Please, God, show me what might have happened." After he finished praying, Danny closed his eyes and fell asleep.

His dream started out like this: "Danny. I will show you what could have happened, but you mustn't dwell on this. And do not linger on the thought that what you feel is still possible. That is a different matter altogether, and I will not grant that wish..."