The Perfect Relationship

Do you want to know when you have the "perfect" relationship? (I use "perfect" carefully, for, as fallen humans, we will not know perfection apart from the person of Christ until Heaven.) As I told a couple of my students tonight, our relationship with God is shown beautifully in a married couple who has Christ at the center of their relationship. They, in their dating relationship, asked me, "What do we do if we are fighting about who gives?" They sited their first dating (and other subsequent dates) where the conversation went something like:

Boy: "Where do you want to eat, tonight?"
Girl: "I don't care. Wherever you want to eat?"
Boy: "No, I'm taking you out, you choose."
Girl: "I don't care."
Boy: "What about Wings N More?"
Girl: "No...not there."
Boy: "What about Red Lobster."
Girl: "Wherever is fine with me."

That pattern proceeded for many more restaraunts, until he finally just went to Wings N More since she wouldn't decide. She told me it was because she wanted him to be able to get something he wanted, whereas he wanted to serve her. In essence, they were both trying to give, but neither was willing to take.

You have probably heard that a relationship is "give-and-take." Well, that's true, but I think it is better stated as a giving cycle. Part of giving in a relationship is taking. You must be humble enough to take at times.

Guys, treat your girlfriend/fiance/wife as a princess.

Girls, do not act like a princess.

Contradictory? Not at all. A man is to serve his wife (ergo girlfriend and fiance prior to marriage), but as a wife, a woman should not play the part of princess and ask him to do every little thing for her. What do I mean? Let's take the above mentioned high school couple for example again.

He said to me while talking about serving, "I serve her. I take her tray sometimes at lunch.
She counters, "But not when I ask you to take it."
He responds, "That's because you ask me in front of my friends, and they tell me I'm whipped."

Obviously, that isn't the only way he serves her, but it worked well for a teaching moment. I told him that she shouldn't have to ask, he should just do it out of love and service to her, but at the same time, she has to realize that it is out of love and service he takes her tray. It is not an opening for her to get him to do whatever she wants. I gave them an illustration, "If she called you at 3 in the morning and asked you to get her some Taco Bell or tylenol or something and you are asleep..."

He interrupted me and said, "I would get it for her."

I said, "I know, but she shouldn't ask you to if she is in her house, which has a medicine cabinent, and parents there also, at 3 in the morning. It's not a question of you serving or giving to her, its a question of her playing the part of a princess."

Hopefully, something clicked with you, as well as them. This leads to the giving cycle. It is out of love that he gives, so because he gives to her, she, in turn, gives back to him in some way out of love. That is what biblical submission looks like.

These are the first two aspects of the "perfect" relationship. Humility (the other person is first, but when they try to give to me, I have to take) and the giving cycle (out of love he gives. In turn, she gives back out of love).

The final aspect is intimacy. Intimacy is not a sexual term. It is a term that is grossly misrepresented. Initmacy is opening your life to someone else, showing that person all your faults and past failures and wanting to know everything, even the ugly, about that person, too.

This leads to a committed, settled, passionate relationship. Committed in that when you reach the point of marriage, you say "I am joining myself to this person, no matter what." Settled in that you say "I am making my home here, where I'm supposed to be with this person." This is completely different than settling, which is "I can't quite make to that point, so I'll just stop here and be ok." Passionate says "Here I am, all of me, to serve you. You are so much more important than I am."

If you are having questions about how this can be the perfect relationship, let's look at God's relationship with man. Humility? He came here, from His throne, as a man, to serve us and take all the sin and shame of forever past, present, and future upon Himself for us. Giving cycle? He gave Himself to us, not to mention life in general, just because He wanted us to have it. When we give back out of love, He gives even more! Intimacy? He has opened Himself up to us in His Word for us to get to know Him. He wants to know us, too. Completely. He already does, but He wants us to open up to Him in the same way He opened Himself up to us. He wants us to reveal EVERYTHING to Him.

That kind of love can only lead to a committed, settled, passionate relationship with Him, where we say, "God, here I am. All of me. I'm ready to serve you. I am making my home here, with you, no matter what happens."

See? It's the recipe for the perfect relationship. And no, it's not just for the husband-wife relationship. This recipe works for every friend you have. Obviously, I'm not saying marry everyone, but you can have a committed, settled, passionate relationship with anyone. You simply say, "I am your friend, no matter what. This is where I'm supposed to be, so here I am, ready to serve you."

That is love. Pure, simple, unconditional, agape love.